Motherhood is rife with ridiculous moments. And whether it’s telling your child for the fourth time that you can’t have ice cream for breakfast or begging them to stop asking Alexa to play the Paw Patrol theme song, it’s also full of ridiculous things we never thought we’d have to say out loud. How many of these 50 statements have you said this morning? But don’t worry about getting too serious—science says your child’s social skills (even the silly ones) are way more important than academics when determining future success. So feel free to get goofy, mama!
After a long day of doing seemingly everything, when our partners get home it kind of becomes a habit to ask, “How was your day?” In between prepping dinner, handing off the kids, finishing your own work, we don’t exactly get much value from this question. Sure, it may open up the opportunity to complain about that awful thing that happened or excitedly share that presentation you killed at work—but it usually stops there.
I could do a better job of really talking in my relationship. After 12 years and two kids, sometimes all we can come up with post bedtime routine is, “You good? I’m good. Fire up the Netflix.”
Here are 21 questions to dig deeper into your marriage after a long day—see where they take you!
- Did you listen to anything interesting today?
- If you could do any part of today over again, what would it be?
- How much coffee did you drink today?
- Will you remember any specific part of today a year from now? Five years?
- Did you take any photos today? What did you photograph?
- What app did you open most today?
- How can I make your day easier in five minutes?
- If we were leaving for vacation tonight, where do you wish we would be heading?
- If you won $500 and had to spend it on yourself today, what would you buy?
- If your day was turned into a movie, who would you cast?
- What did you say today that you could have never expected to come out of your mouth?
- What did you do to take care of yourself today?
- When did you feel appreciated today?
- If you could guarantee one thing for tomorrow what would it be?
- If we traded places tomorrow what advice would you give me for the day?
- What made you laugh today?
- Imagine committing the next year to learning one thing in your spare time. What would it be?
- Did you give anyone side-eye today? Why?
- What do you wish you did more of today?
- What do you wish you did less of today?
- Are you even listening to me right now?
You might also like:
Alexis Ohanian has made a lot of important decisions in his life. The decision to co-found Reddit is a pretty big one. So was marrying Serena Williams. But right up there with changing internet culture and making a commitment to his partner, the venture capitalist lists taking time off after his daughter’s birth as a significant, life-changing choice.
“Before Olympia was born, I had never thought much about paternity leave and, to be honest, Reddit’s company policy was not my idea. Our vice president of people and culture, Katelin Holloway, brought it up to me in a meeting and it sounded O.K., so why not?” Ohanian writes in an op-ed for New York Times Parenting.
He continues: “Then came Olympia, after near-fatal complications forced my wife, Serena, to undergo an emergency C-section. Serena spent days in recovery fighting for her life against pulmonary embolisms. When we came home with our baby girl, Serena had a hole in her abdomen that needed bandage changes daily. She was on medication. She couldn’t walk.”
The experience changed the way Ohanian viewed paternity leave. It was no longer something that just sounded like a good thing, it was a necessary thing for his family. It was crucial that he take it and now he is advocating for more fathers to be able to. In his piece for the NYT Ohanian points out something that Motherly has previously reported on: It is hard for fathers to take paternity leave even when their government or employer offers it.
A report from Dove Men+Care and Promundo (a global organization dedicated to gender equality) found 85% of dads surveyed in the United States, the UK, Argentina, Brazil, Canada, Japan and the Netherlands would do anything to be very involved in the early weeks and months after their child’s birth or adoption, but less than 50% of fathers take as much time as they are entitled to.
Dads need paid leave, but even when they have it social pressures and unrealistic cultural expectations keep them from taking it and they choose not to take all the time they can. Ohanian wants lawmakers and business leaders to make sure that dads can take leave and he wants to help fathers choose to actually take it.
“I was able to take 16 weeks of paid leave from Reddit, and it was one of the most important decisions I’ve made,” Ohanian previously wrote in an essay for Glamour.
Ohanian recognizes that he is privileged in a way most parents aren’t.
“It helped that I was a founder and didn’t have to worry about what people might say about my ‘commitment’ to the company, but it was incredible to be able to spend quality time with Olympia. And it was perhaps even more meaningful to be there for my wife and to adjust to this new life we created together—especially after all the complications she had during and after the birth,” he wrote for Glamour.
In his NYT piece, Ohanian goes further: “I get that not every father has the flexibility to take leave without the fear that doing so could negatively impact his career. But my message to these guys is simple: Taking leave pays off, and it’s continued to pay dividends for me two years later. It should be no surprise that I also encourage all of our employees to take their full leave at Initialized Capital, where I am managing partner; we recently had three dads on paid paternity leave at the same time.”
The GOAT’s husband is making the same points that we at Motherly make all the time. Research supports paid leave for all parents. It benefits the baby and the parents and that benefits society.
By first taking his leave and then speaking out about the ways in which it benefited his family, Ohanian is using his privileged position to de-stigmatize fathers taking leave, and advocate for more robust parental leave policies for all parents, and his influence doesn’t end there. He’s trying to show the world that parents shouldn’t have to cut off the parent part of themselves in order to be successful in their careers.
He says that when his parental leave finished he transitioned from being a full-time dad to a “business dad.”
“I’m fortunate to be my own boss, which comes with the freedoms of doing things like bringing my daughter into the office, or working remotely from virtually anywhere Serena competes. My partners at Initialized are used to seeing Olympia jump on camera—along with her doll Qai Qai—or hearing her babbling on a call. I tell them with pride, ‘Olympia’s at work today!’ And I’ll post some photos on Instagram or Twitter so my followers can see it too,” Ohanian explains.
“The more we normalize this, on social media and in real life, the better, because I know this kind of dynamic makes a lot of men uncomfortable (and selfishly I want Olympia to hear me talking about start-ups!),” he says.
This is the future of family-friendly work culture. Take it from a guy who created an entire internet culture.
[A version of this post was originally published February 19, 2019. It has been updated.]
You might also like:
“It’s easy to judge, much tougher but important to understand how it happens,” a memory expert explains.