Posts by Moody Baby:
11 Montessori-inspired phrases to teach young children how to respectfully disagree
,05 Dec 2019 in Tips
While toddlers frequently say “no” as a matter of principle, by the time your child reaches the preschool years, they likely have a legitimate difference of opinion when they argue. And that’s fine—great actually. We want our children to think for themselves, to examine the information available to them and form their own opinions rather than blindly following others.
This is actually a big focus in Montessori classrooms. Rather than a teacher dictating information to the children to memorize, they are encouraged to explore the environment and materials provided and to discover things for themselves. One of the purposes of this method of teaching is to help children form an identity as free thinkers, as scientists and self-learners who are capable of discovering knowledge and drawing their own conclusions.
Even if they’re not trying to be rude, if they’re just trying to assert themselves and share their thoughts, young children’s arguments can seem rude and abrasive. They haven’t mastered the art of respectfully disagreeing in a way that makes others want to hear them out.
As mamas, if we can look past the rude language and avoid getting mad, there’s a great opportunity to help our children learn how to disagree respectfully, which will help them be heard.
Try these phrases to teach your children how to respectfully disagree:
1. “What do you think about that?”
If you can see that your child is about to argue, beat them to it and ask for their thoughts. This changes the dynamic of the interaction, making it cooperative rather than combative.
2. “Do you have a different opinion?”
If your child says something like “No way!” or “You’re wrong,” invite them to share their opinion. By staying calm you will show them that you’re open to discussion and they will become less defensive and quick to argue over time.
3. “Would you like a turn to talk?”
It often takes lots of practice for young children to learn not to interrupt. Help your child by telling them when you’re done talking. If your child starts to interrupt you with an argument, use a silent signal such as holding up one finger to show them you’re not done talking. Invite them to share their thoughts when you’re ready.
4. “You can say ‘I have a different opinion about that.'”
Sometimes you explicitly have to tell your child what to say, like offering them a script. When your child disagrees with you in a way that seems rude, offer them a better way to express themselves. Take a deep breath and give them the benefit of the doubt that they’re not trying to make you mad, and give them a do-over.
5. “I hear that you disagree. How can you say that differently?”
After you’ve practiced more respectful ways to disagree a few times, prompt your child to think of a more polite way to phrase an argument, rather than giving them the script. This will help them internalize and really practice socially acceptable ways to disagree.
6. “It sounds like we need a moderator.”
Using a moderator can be a powerful tool for children and adults alike. If you have a really strong disagreement—maybe your child wants to have their first sleepover and you’re not sure they’re ready—try using a moderator like an aunt, uncle or friend. The point is to model the process. Make sure to choose an issue where you’re okay with either outcome or it can backfire!
7. “Wow, you have a strong opinion about that.”
Many times, all a child needs is to know that they are heard. By validating your child’s dissenting opinion (“Wow, you have a strong opinion about what shoes to wear!”) you can often diffuse the situation.
The more your child sees you staying calm during a disagreement, the more they will follow your lead.
8. “I don’t think that’s right. I’m going to ask a question.”
Children really do as we do, not as we say. We can talk to them all day about disagreeing respectfully, but in the end, they are going to copy what we do.
Try to find opportunities to model respectful disagreement in front of your child. It could be as simple as inquiring about a receipt that doesn’t seem right or offering a different opinion to your spouse about what restaurant to go to.
Show your child that it’s okay to disagree, and it can be done without anger.
9. “You didn’t want to play cars. What could you say to your friend?”
Whether your child is the type to run to you for support every time they have a disagreement with a friend or the type to hit or yell at their friend if they disagree, you can steer them toward a more effective social dynamic.
At first, you will likely have to help your child a lot to think of ways to respectfully disagree with their friends, but with practice, it will become more natural for them.
10. “Let’s play a game!”
Role playing is a powerful (and fun!) tool that we use all of the time in Montessori classrooms. If there is an issue in the classroom, such as children bumping into each other without saying “excuse me” or children distracting each other from their work, we take turns role-playing acceptable ways to handle the situation at group time.
This is something you can do in your family too. Create a scenario, such as two children disagreeing about sharing toys or two children disagreeing about what game to play, and role-play different things your child could try.
Make sure to try their suggestions as well as your own!
11. “Let’s try the peace rose.”
The peace rose is another tool used in many Montessori classrooms that’s very effective with some children, and not with others, but it is certainly worth a try.
The idea of the peace rose is that two children who are having a disagreement can pass the peace rose back and forth as they each take a turn to talk. They are encouraged to express their feelings and opinions about a situation and brainstorm a solution.
It can be discouraging when it feels like your child argues over everything! Just remember that you are raising a strong, independent thinker who will be able to challenge authority and peer pressure when necessary. With your help, they’ll learn to do so in a way that will serve them, rather than antagonizing others.
This puzzle is the most popular kid's gift everyone's buying on Etsy
,05 Dec 2019 in Tips
Now that Black Friday and Cyber Monday have passed, there are some clear favorite products that have been in everyone’s cart. Personalized gifts were a hit this year and so are Montessori presents for the little ones so it’s no surprise that this wooden name puzzle is one item that everyone is buying for their kids this season on Etsy.
The puzzle is totally customizable—you can pick up to 10 letters and choose from four different color schemes and come up with your own.
You can shop it now to get it just in time for the holidays:
Personalized wooden name puzzle
The puzzle will help little ones learn letters, colors, shapes and how to spell their names. It will also help them with their gross motor skills as they put letters into place. Plus, this store has more than 7,000 5-star reviews. 🙌 The price ranges from $29.99 to $47.99 depending on how many letters you choose. It also comes with a cute bear and a mountain for extra cuteness.
We independently select and share the products we love—and may receive a commission if you choose to buy. You’ve got this.
It’s time to talk about post-weaning depression
,05 Dec 2019 in Tips
Soon after I stopped breastfeeding my last baby (okay, toddler—she was nearly three), my in-laws offered to take the kids overnight so my husband and I could enjoy some much-needed couple time. It happened to be the day of March for Our Lives, and I’d spent it trudging down the boulevard holding a sign, listening to stories from grieving parents who had lost children to gun violence. My kids were perfectly safe at my in-laws’ house, but I wasn’t used to being apart from them and my anxiety—always simmering just below the surface—boiled over.
Dinner and a movie with my husband were good distractions from my worries, but when we came home to a silent, dark house empty of children, it just felt wrong. I walked into my girls’ room as if to check on them, but instead of seeing their sweet sleeping faces and hearing their gentle snores, there were empty beds. My heart pounded as a terrible feeling of doom came over me. I started to sob and couldn’t catch my breath, ending up curled in a ball on the lower bunk, clutching my daughter’s teddy bear.
What was wrong with me? Sure, I missed my kids, but this wasn’t just melancholy. It was a full-on panic attack and not at all normal for me.
I suspected my state had something to do with the hormonal changes from recently weaning. Unfortunately, as much discussion about the challenges of breastfeeding and postpartum depression have entered the mainstream, there is still very little information available about post-weaning depression or anxiety. So little that it’s not even an official diagnosis.
However, the practitioners I spoke with knew exactly what I was talking about.
So what is post-weaning depression?
“It’s totally a real phenomenon,” says Dr. Ellen Vora, MD, a holistic psychiatrist in New York who estimates that 60% of her breastfeeding patients experience ‘blues’ after weaning. “They feel sad, more anxious, more irritable.”
That certainly sounded like me. Other symptoms can include tearfulness, hopelessness, irritability, and difficulty sleeping.
“I have definitely seen plenty of women get blues with weaning,” says Dr. Jessica Schneider, MD, an OB-GYN in Los Angeles. “I have always assumed that most of it is hormonal,” she explains, outlining several significant hormonal shifts that occur when breastfeeding stops. “As we wean, our prolactin levels go down, which may cause some depressive symptoms. Our estrogen levels go up, which is why we get our periods back, and the hormonal swings can cause mood symptoms.”
There is also the loss of mood-boosting oxytocin, sometimes called the cuddle hormone, which keeps anxiety at bay. In a study published in Life Sciences, oxytocin was shown to relieve depression in mice and was even more effective than antidepressant medication. So, for some, it could be possible that stopping breastfeeding may feel like going off an antidepressant.
It appears that the onset of symptoms is typically two to three days after weaning, though there can be a delay. Since post-weaning depression isn’t talked about much, women may be caught off guard by unexpected mood changes. After weaning, “the assumption is, ‘I’ll be free, I won’t have to rush home anymore, it will be a relief,'” says Dr. Aarti Mehta, MD, a reproductive psychiatrist in Chicago. “So, when there is depression or anxiety, it’s a surprise.”
Are you at risk for post-weaning depression?
Post-weaning depression may be more likely when a mom is conflicted about ending the breastfeeding relationship. “Some women feel guilty that they aren’t breastfeeding for longer. Or sad that the baby weaned before they had planned,” Schneider says. “A few patients have told me that they really enjoyed nursing and because it was the last baby they were having, they were sad because they knew they weren’t going to nurse again.” (I fell into that last category, for sure.)
Women who experience mood swings during their period and/or experienced postpartum depression are more likely to be affected by weaning, Vora says.
Post-weaning depression prevention + treatment
Weaning abruptly can make hormonal changes more dramatic, so Mehta recommends tapering off slowly, such as dropping one feeding per week.
“Allow yourself to grieve properly,” advises Vora. “Give yourself an afternoon to process it rather than moving on with your life.”
In addition to talk therapy, Vora stresses the importance of self-care, including eating nutrient-rich foods, getting more sleep, and getting help with household chores through outsourcing. “Reallocate some funds toward getting groceries delivered, help with laundry, and help with drop-off and pick-up to take some of the burdens off of Mom.”
The good news is that post-weaning depression generally only lasts a few weeks. If it continues, then there is probably more going on than just hormonal changes. “It’s a call to action, to look under the hood” and get some help, Vora says.
If depressive symptoms persist longer than a week or two, Dr. Mehta sometimes prescribes a short-term course (around six to nine months) of antidepressants. Though she adds that only 1 to 3% of patients experience depression lasting long enough to warrant medication.
I was in that 1 to 3%. Having never been on antidepressants before, I was scared to try them, despite strong encouragement from my doctor. Would my personality change? My creativity? But as it turned out, all that changed was my fear and sadness. I only wish these solutions were apparent to me from the outset, or that I’d been educated about post-weaning depression before I’d suffered through it.
With a little help from SSRI’s during a rocky time, I was finally able to be the mother I wanted to be. I was ready to move past breastfeeding and embrace my kids’ newfound independence — though I continue to hug them way more than necessary.
This story originally appeared on Apparently.
17 ways to get financially fit going into the new year, mama
,05 Dec 2019 in Tips
The holiday season tends to wreak havoc on our bank accounts. Between the gifts, the parties and the inevitable self-indulging, most people blow through their holiday budgets in no time and dip into other accounts. But it doesn’t have to be that way, mama.
Here are 17 ways you can start working towards your financial goals now.
Rebuild (or start) your emergency fund
To rebuild your savings in the new year, set up automatic transfers. Typically, we advise clients to save a minimum of 10% of their gross monthly income. They set-up automatic transfers to move the money from their checking account to their savings account on the days they get paid. Just set it and forget it, you’ll be amazed how quickly your savings grow!
Set up goal-based budgets
Another tool we use to help our clients get organize is goals-based budgeting. Make a list of the goals you hope to accomplish next year, then figure out how much you need to save to make them a reality. Planning a vacation for June that will cost you $1,000? Transfer $200 to a travel savings account each month and you will save that money in just five months. You can have a different account for each goal and make contributions on a weekly or monthly basis.
Start saving for the next holiday season
To avoid the usual holiday spending trap, start saving for next year now. Putting just $50 away each month will help you save $600 for next year. Can you afford $75 each month? That will get you to $900.
Track spending + cut wasteful costs
A new year is a great time to review your spending from the previous year. Take some time to look over bank statements and credit card bills to discover your problem areas (some credit card companies even provide year end summaries showing what you spent on the most). This can help you identify areas where you are overspending or wasting money. You should also review the subscription services you and your family utilize. Are you using them? If not, cancel them.
Clean out your closet + declutter your home
This is perfect time to clean out your closet and get rid of items you no longer need or want. You may find that there are clothes you forgot you owned, some of which have never been worn. You might be able to save yourself a shopping trip just by organizing your closet and seeing what you already own. Clean out junk drawers, hall closets and kitchen cabinets. Take inventory of everything you find and use it all before you go out shopping.
Sell unwanted gift cards, clothes, electronics, etc.
Did you get a gift card you’ll never use? Are you holding on to clothes that you will never wear? Do yourself a favor and take advantage of sites like Raise, CardPool and GiftCardGranny that allow you to sell unused gift cards for cash. Once you’ve cleaned out your closet and decluttered your home, use thredUP, Poshmark, or Tradesy to sell clothes and shoes. For electronics try Gazelle, Nextworth, or Ebay. Amazon and Best Buy also have trade-in programs that allow you to exchange electronics for store credit.
Save up your spare change
This is probably the easiest thing you can do to save money this year. I keep a mason jar on my windowsill and empty the change from my wallet into it every couple weeks. Some people take this a step further and put dollar or five dollar bills into a jar every time they clean out their wallet. Either way it adds up over time, and once you’ve filled the jar you can use this money to treat yourself to something special.
Make a change
Are you eating too many meals out? Do you have a bad (and expensive) habit you’ve been meaning to kick? Make a point to tackle these problems in now. Not only will it help you save, but you will also make strides to improving your personal well-being too.
Do the side hustle
Sometimes cost cutting just isn’t enough. Figure out a side hustle that can help you bring in more income. It doesn’t have to be starting your own business, it can be something simple, like babysitting or dog waking. Have experience in hospitality? Waitron is revolutionizing staffing in the NYC area. You can become an employee and work as often (or as little) as you want.
Investing doesn’t have to be scary! And you can start small! The easiest way to get invested is to make sure you are enrolled in your employers’ retirement savings plan. Ready to take the next step? Try using one of these apps to help you get started, Stash, Robinhood or Acorns. For those a bit more comfortable with the stock market, you can buy shares of an ETF or enroll in Dividend Reinvestment Plans (DRIPs).
Try a no spending challenge
Sometimes we get off track and need to refocus. When this happens, I recommend trying a no spending challenge. Whether it be for a month, a week or just a few days, it is beneficial to reset and find a way to recommit to your savings goals.
Schedule cash-only days
Like the No Spending Challenge, cash only days give you the opportunity to be more mindful of your spending. Using cash instead of credit cards will help you identity areas where you’re being wasteful. Typically, people have a harder time shelling out cash than they do swiping a card. You will notice that you are less likely to make impulse purchases and end up spending less when you shop.
Monthly credit card payments should be automated to avoid missed payments and the resulting late fees. In addition, you can automate your cable, utility, cell phone and pretty much every other monthly bill to be automatically deducted from your bank account or charged to a credit card. If you are deducting from a bank account make sure you have enough funds to cover the payment and that you are enrolled in overdraft protection, just in case.
Do credit score maintenance
Everyone should use CreditKarma to check their credit score. There are always opportunities to increase your score, and doing so will help you in the long run when you apply for things like personal loans, mortgages or additional cards. For those who have a high credit score and are responsible card users, there are many opportunities to earn rewards points. CreditCards.com is a great reference for finding cards that best fit your needs and help you build the rewards that will be most useful to you.
Look for daily deals + comparison shop
Groupon, Living Social and other daily deals sites can help you save money on everything from household items to vacations. You should do research and shop around, but don’t write off these sites. When shopping for more expensive items, make sure you shop around compare prices before making a purchase.
Negotiate a raise
This time of year, many companies are doing their annual performance reviews and giving out raises and promotions. If you anticipate that you will be receiving a raise or promotion you should do your research ahead of your annual review.
Find out what people in your position make at other firms using Glassdoor. Make sure you are earning what you’re worth and don’t be afraid to ask for it! Chances are if you are receiving a promotion they value you as an employee and will be open to paying to keep you.
Learn accountability + mindfulness
The most important aspect of a financially fit lifestyle is creating accountability and mindfulness around your financial decisions. You should set goals with specific intentions and see them through. Creating a rewards system or doing a monthly review of you spending are two ways to create accountability and mindfulness.
Originally posted on Financial Gym.
You might also like:
The one piece of parenting advice 51 moms want you to know
,05 Dec 2019 in Tips
Sometimes we want parenting advice; sometimes we don’t. But one thing is clear—everyone is always down to give it. The end of a decade seems like the perfect time to reflect on how we mother and ways we can have more fun doing it. #TeamMotherly mamas on Facebook shared the number one piece of parenting advice they want you to know and they are too good not to share.
Here’s what they shared:
On love + affection:
1. Prema Mokhna Rau When hugging a child, always be the last one to let go. You never know how long they need it.
2. Anne Bente Falkum-Lorentzen Start very early in your children’s lives to show nurturing. Hugging, kisses, holding, sleeping with them in the first years, reading to them and always, always praising them! If they feel loved and valued they will grow up to be happy and self secure adults!
3. Pauline Salomons Love is the answer, always
On picking your own battles + consistency:
4. Sharon Novak Be consistent. Be confident knowing that your child loves you more than anything in the world. Live a life remembering that your child totally depends on who you are. Remember that who you are is who they will become.
5. Candice M Lazecky Choose your battles by being able to recognize when it’s more about your own ego than it is about parenting. And make your own rules. You don’t have to be like everyone else and neither do your kids💗
6. Kim Dalton Pick your battles. Will it matter 5/10 years from now?
On listening to your gut vs. others:
7. Kayla Thoennes When you get the gut feeling of “stay home” when you’re supposed to go to an event or gathering or shopping….stay home. It’s not worth your sanity to make an appearance somewhere when your kids just aren’t feeling it that day.
8. Laura Bastock
Mother’s intuition is usually right. Go with your gut. It’s tough at times, but it’s the most amazing journey you can go through! 💗💙
9. Mara Von Spangles
Don’t listen to anyone else’s parenting advice! It’s all based on their experience of THEIR child not yours!
10. Amy Schmidt
Don’t just read one parenting book and think that’s how to do it. Either read everything, or nothing, choose what works for you, baby AND the rest of the family. There are as many ways to parent as there are parents.
On NOT stressing:
11. Tiffini Van Sickle Babies cry and it’s okay. Mommies cry and it’s okay, too.
12. Samantha Smith
Don’t fight over the little things. If they want to wear a shirt as a hat to the store, sometimes it’s best to just let them do their thing.
13. Sherri Angeletti
“Parenting is in the repair work.” My therapist gave me the gift of this affirmation when I was in the depths of depression following the birth of my (often screaming) second child. I was especially struggling with being patient with my toddler, and was feeling like I was failing—making mistakes at every turn. She let me know that it’s okay to be human and make mistakes in parenting, but the most important part is circling back and having an honest conversation to bring resolution to the incident and discuss how to work together I do better going forward.
14. Faith Pomeroy
You are allowed to (briefly) walk away from your children so you can pull yourself together and be the best parent you can be.
15. Millie Derby
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Acknowledge and accept the fact that not every child/baby is the same and babies are hard!!!
On enjoying the moment:
16. Katie Hartman Remember: Tomorrow your kids will be a day older.
17. Lauren Blodgett
Stop waiting for it to “get easier.” It never gets easier, the challenges just change. Don’t focus on getting through the phase, ENJOY the phase they’re in.
18. Cathy Comeau Maynard
Seize the opportunity when they are in the car to talk and listen. I would put at least fifty miles a day on my car just taking my three boys to and from school. I have some awesome memories of those conversations 💜
19. Nicole Cottle Abroguena
There will be long nights and long days, but there will come a day when you miss the nighttime snuggles and cuddling during nap time. Love EVERY moment, they grow up so fast! ❤️
20. Christina Westberg
Lower your expectations when it comes to a clean house. 😂 Spending time with your littles is way more important.
21. Angelica Griffith Admit when you’ve made a mistake. It would be cool if we never lost our tempers, but it is so valuable for your children to see that you make mistakes and can admit to them, apologize and move on.
22. Samantha Ann Barker One day at a time especially for first time moms. Always remember you both are learning. You are new to being a mom, they are new to being alive.
24. Amanda Virginn
Everyday is a new day. So if today was not a good day as a parent, there is always tomorrow. Rest up and remember your kids always love their mom or dad no matter what.
25. Crystal Tan
We’re living the “good old days” right now… So just chill and enjoy the moment… Be it smiles and laughter or tantrums and meltdowns. And really, just chill!
26. Leslie Thompson Don’t be their friend when they are small. Tell them no. Give them consequences. Be a parent who strengthens and corrects and assists them in becoming a hard working self sufficient adult—THEN you’ll be their best friend and they will give you their gratitude for a life of promise set up for success.
27. Samantha Hanson Don’t stop doing the things you love just because you have a baby. We love outdoors and we’ve incorporated our son into camping and kayaking! ❤️
28. Kristen LaRue
Although your children are the best thing that’s ever happened to you, YOU are also the best thing that’s ever happened to them. ❤️
29. Ceci Korial
Don’t forget about yourself. Self care is a must. If you’re happy and healthy, the kids and husband will be too.
30. Kaitlyn Ross
Don’t neglect yourself, put yourself first every once and awhile.
31. Nancy Muhlig Arnold Establish a regular bedtime and routine, and your kids will be happier and healthier. You might have to leave a gathering early, but that’s a small sacrifice.
33. Julie Lyn
Do not fight or force a sleep routine. Sleep when they sleep and let it go if they don’t. Stressing through every regression just makes matters worse.
34. Mariah Christy Never compare your child to anyone else. He or she is unique and will learn and grow in their own time. Milestones are just vague guidelines. Oh, and learn to love coffee.
35. Erin Marie
Stop comparing your child to others, compare your child to their past self and see the beauty and growth that happens just over night.
On having support:
36. Amber NgWun Find your mom tribe. Try to surround yourself with those who embrace you and the beautiful life you created as is in alllllll their wonderful—and even not so wonderful at times—glory sans judgement, comparison and expectations.
On just being there:
37. Anne Marie Nesfeder Be there to listen to what they are feeling. Never minimize how they feel, because they are unique human beings with their own set of feelings.
38. Niccy Hughes If you don’t listen to what seems to you to be the smallest insignificant things, then they’ll never tell you what you consider to be the big important things because to them it’s all big and important. 😊
On must-have items:
39. Emily Kaplan You can never have enough chip clips. 😂
40. Lisa Ford
Baby wipes are brilliant for literally everything! Ha!
Other important parenting advice:
44. Stefanie White Teach them to love Jesus… everything else will fall into place.
45. Heaven Harper
They will have bad days just like anyone, so be understanding to that. Be patient. Let them make messes. Teach them to respect others and to clean up after themselves. Always enjoy the snuggles. Let them be little. 💕
47. Ana Burdge
Be financially stable! Many of the people you think you might be able to count on might not be there when you actual need! 😉
48. Shaunna Preston
Parent the child you HAVE not the one you wish you had or think you are “supposed” to have. Getting hung up on the “supposed tos” killed me until my son turned about 18 months and we have both been much happier.
49. Kay Sway
Stop picking everything up every two seconds and enjoy making a mess with them.
50. Rachele Pellegrini
Wait about two or more mins to change diaper after they take a BM, they’re usually not finished 😳
51. Emily Yahn
If you’re worried about being a good parent, you’re already a good parent.
To the woman who asked me to leave because my baby was crying
,05 Dec 2019 in Tips
I get it. You went out to eat pizza and have a few beers with your significant other. You may or may not have noticed when you sat down that there was a baby in the booth right behind yours. You may or may not have heard her while she was making soft happy-baby coos, the music was rather loud making it hard to hear.
I know you heard when she started to cry, hardly giving me two minutes to soothe her before you twisted around and told me to, “Get the baby out of here thank you very much.”
So much for us women sticking together and supporting each other.
I’m pretty sure you didn’t hear that we had asked the server for our check just a moment before your unsolicited commentary. Like I said earlier, the music was loud enough to make it difficult to hear people talk.
Honestly, I considered lingering for a moment or two just out of spite. Instead, I got up and walked outside while my husband settled the bill. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t walk out for your benefit, but for my baby’s. She needed somewhere quieter and calmer to be soothed.
I considered walking back inside to talk to you in full mama bear mode. To tell you how not-okay that was. To call you not-so-nice-names. To give malice-for-malice.
By this point, my baby was calm and happy again, and my anger was dying down and being replaced by embarrassment. I wanted to go back in there and show you that she is usually a happy baby. Maybe even guilt you for your harsh words. Then again, should it even matter if my baby is usually happy?
I wanted to explain to you how rare it was that I get out of the house now, especially in a spit-up/drool-free shirt.
I wanted you and your perfectly done red lips and winged-eyeliner to know how I didn’t have time or energy to put on makeup today (or any day in the past several months). Sometimes just getting a daily shower in is a huge accomplishment.
I wanted you to feel guilty for shaming me for doing something other than work or staying at home with the baby. You, yourself, could have gone to a different place where children were not allowed, moved tables or had a little patience.
But I didn’t, for my baby.
I told my husband that it was probably a good thing he walked out when he did because I was close to walking back in and causing a scene. He even offered to hold our baby to let me do so, and I was tempted.
I knew if I did, however, I wouldn’t be able to get out what I wanted to say through tears of anger and embarrassment. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to say to you at that point. Sitting here now, typing this up, a part of me still regrets walking away.
A bigger part of me believes that lashing out at you emotionally last night would not have made me feel any better. The one thing I have promised myself to do better the next time I encounter a situation like the one you put me in is to be quicker to stand up for myself.
You may not have thought so, but I deserved to be there just as much as you did. And so did my baby.
What do most new moms say they need? Their mom
,05 Dec 2019 in Tips
Becoming a mother in the age of the internet has its perks—and downsides. No matter what time of day or night we know we can find answers to our questions online (or fall down a rabbit hole of conflicting advice, depending on what the topic is). Online moms groups on Facebook and Reddit can provide a sense of community and comfort. And Google is always there for us, but so is someone else: Our moms.
New research suggests that even with all the high tech resources available, most pregnant women still seek advice and emotional support from their own mom, and rank her guidance as being more meaningful than other recommendations.
The new study, published in the journal Reproduction, Health, and Medicine, saw researchers at the University of Cincinnati follow pregnant women for months, conducting in-depth interviews with the women as well as their moms. Women who do not have their mother in their life often still have someone supporting them similarly. This particular study examined the daughter-mother bond, but previous research suggests sisters and aunts are also powerful support people for pregnant women.
“No one can replace your mum but you have to work with what you can work with—my wider family, my sister and close girlfriends are amazing,” researcher Edith Cowan of the University in Western Australia told the Sydney Morning Herald earlier this year.
Cowan’s research looked at so-called “motherless mothers” and the support people whose guidance they value and this new research out of Cincinnati examined how new mothers bonds with their own mothers.
According to Danielle Bessett, UC associate professor of sociology, many books and recommendations for new moms suggest following expert advice and ignoring our anecdotal advice. While other studies do suggest that some grandparents’ old-school ways can put babies at risk, Bassett cautions against discounting how much emotional support and advice grandparents can provide.
She says that when pregnancy resources and medical providers suggest new moms ignore their own moms it can be damaging and increase stress levels for the pregnant person. While some grandparents may offer advice that doesn’t adhere to current recommendations (like putting a baby to sleep on their stomach or adding cereal to a baby’s bottle—both of which the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends against) they are also an invaluable source of support for some pregnant women.
It’s okay to take advice from your mom, to lean on her and get support. According to Basset, most moms aren’t tossing grandma aside because she’s not up-to-date on pregnancy and baby care. Instead, they’re helping her catch up on new recommendations, something many grandparents are happy to do. According to Basset, many moms these days bring their own mom into the fold to ensure that everyone is on the same page when it comes to pregnancy, literally.
“They tended to read self-help books along with their mothers who also enjoyed a vicarious engagement with science that they didn’t have when they were pregnant decades ago,” Basset explains, adding that medical providers should “actually listen and really hear their patients, no matter how much they may rely on their mothers.”
Not everyone wants to rely on their mother or take their advice. For some women, contact with their own mother isn’t welcome during pregnancy, and while many people want their mothers’ advice and guidance during this time those who have had traumatic experiences in their family of origin may not. And that’s okay too.
As developmental psychologist Dr. Julaine Brent writes for CBC Parents, “We are free to choose behaviors that will support our child’s emotional well-being rather than repeating old patterns.”
For some pregnant people, their mom’s advice is welcome and needed. For others, their mom may not be emotionally or physically able to support them during this time. If you have lost your mother through estrangement or death, you still do not have to do this alone. Aunts, mothers-in-law, sisters, grandmothers and friends are the ones some pregnant women turn to.
Whatever support looks like in a mother’s life it should be respected. Our moms and our aunties may not be experts on the latest medical and child-rearing recommendations, but they are in our corner and that matters even more.